Sad and hollow
by Beth Warlow
Summary: Katherine "The end justifies the means. And the end here is survive. I wasn't evil, but on the road a death trap gave thorns to the rose."


**Title: Sad and hollow.**

**Summary. The end justifies the means. And the end here is survive. I wasn't evil, but on the road a death trap gave the rose thorns.**

**Please don't hate me. This could change your opinion about Katherine, or not. But I think she is not so bad and if she is she wasn't born that way. I think she once was a pure, naïve girl, that believed in love. And this is supposed to be written before she takes Elena's body.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the rights of the characters Damon, Elena, Katherine, and Stefan they belong to L. J. Smith y la CW.**

**This fic is in contest in thematic challenge, "Dangerous Liaisons" from the forum "The Vampire Diaries: Dangerous Liaisons." The forum is in Spanish.**

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My name is Katherina Petrova, I'm doing this because after I had attempted against my own life, Stefan told me I would be relieving and good for my soul. Why if I had always considered myself a survivor, try to commit suicide? Because I found out my days were reaching the end… I am dying of old age.

I had a chaotic past and according to everyone I am the bad of the story, but have you put into my shoes? Try, I dare you.

My story is irreversible, but I was only trying to survive. I clung to life... I lost my mind and I was wrapped in my own fantasies until I couldn't stop... I even lost myself in the way…

I want to make it very clear that Stefan didn't save my life, he ... RUINED MY DEATH! After all I am going to die or not?

It was not and has not been easy; I must admit at times I wavered and I've spent in my solitude as a guide in that vast plateau of darkness where I am hiding my soul, my past is full of manipulation, betrayal, deceit, only to survive. Today I finally have the courage to speak and thus I break the silence! I ask you reader that leave already to point me as the villain of the story, I have a couple of good reasons to justify my behavior ... Without further ado ... I open my heart to the experiences that marked me and mostly to the one that unleashed all…

The end justifies the means. And the end here is survive. I wasn't evil, but on the road a death trap gave the rose thorns.

Dears Bon-Bon, Matty blue, Caroline, Jeremy, Elena, Damon and Stefan,

I was born into a wealthy Bulgarian family on June 5th 1473. Probably nothing bad would have happened if I had not been so in love with that man. Because that love caused that I rebelled and disobeyed my parents, surrendering him my maidenhead. And he disappeared when he found I was pregnant, ha, just disappeared, after promising heaven, sun, moon and stars... I was only 16 years old, I was just a kid. Yes this began with me having a baby out of wedlock, a shame. Having to stay inside my home the whole pregnancy sucked. I carried the child to term, but seconds after my daughter's birth, my father snatched her away from me. I didn't allow me to know her, in fact not even let me see her small and immaculate face and he do not even let me hold her for a moment and less talk her, I could barely see her, claiming it would be better for both of us to never see one another. And I hadn't the courage to fight and just let life that had been growing inside me go without even meeting her. Maybe my father was right and she would be better off without me. I just wanted to think that she was in a loving family that really loved her, I wasn't what you might call good mother, because I hadn't sought a home, a family for her. My father told me he had disgraced my family. I was disowned.

I was exiled to England. With one last kiss from my mother, I get carried away by the tide of fate, aimlessly floundering, not knowing what I should do, surviving week to week, sometimes day to day, then I was alone. They had left me alone, in one way or another, had to get out ahead. I must take care of myself and think for myself, I found the only way to survive there, was to became an English courtesan, so I did it. I am not proud of it. I was reaching my limit, when in 1492 I met Trevor, he became my friend. He told me that he couldn't get me away from that life, but he knew someone who could. So he ask me to agree to be his "birthday present" to a nobleman, his "friend" Niklaus. He first introduced me to Lord Elijah, who in turn introduced me to his younger brother, Lord Niklaus, the birthday boy.

Elijah was so kind. When I met him said that was a pleasure to meet me. And yes they were my ticket to a better life. Elijah and Klaus gave me the stability that I had long ago lost, and that even though I deny, I desperately wanted and needed, being able to sleep peacefully knowing that tomorrow would have what to eat, to breathe in the peace, being sure that a second later my world would still the same and not fall apart. We (Elijah and me) used to have fun in the woods, we play chasing each other whenever Klaus wasn't around. Elijah didn't wanted our games to reach an end. Once we were playing and we began to talk about Klaus, I told him Klaus was supposed to spend the night with me but he didn't come. Elijah says to me "Yes, Klaus does not live by any rules but his own." Then I say "He is a very charming man. Hard for anyone to resist, I suppose..." And we continued to talk about him and began to talk about the meaning of love. I thought that Klaus didn't care about me at all, even I was meant to be his mistress, but Elijah says that "many a unions had been built on much less." But I wanted more, was it wrong? I ask it to Elijah, because I thought if I had to be with someone and be faithful to him there had to be more. Even though I couldn't be his wife, so I had to be ok with being his mistress.

Elijah ask me if I had more with Trevor. I told him, "Trevor believes that he loves me, but true love is not real unless it's returned. Don't you agree?" Elijah tells me "I do not believe in love, Katerina." But I replied to him "That is too sad for me to accept, my lord. Life is too cruel. If we cease to believe in love, why would we want to live?"

I was developing feelings for Elijah, yes I was a foolish girl that believed in love, falling in love with someone who didn't. Yes, I was still naïve. But I found they were vampires, and Klaus wanted to use me, because I was a doppelganger of the one linked to his curse, in a sacrifice to undo the curse that was lying upon him. I found out that he wanted to drain me until the last drop of blood. And Elijah, oh God, he really didn't care. At least that was what I believed back then. I thought he had tricked me, the whole dream I had planned went down like smoke, and he was going to let Klaus, Klaus who just wanted my blood, my blood for his own benefit, take it, drained me and broke his curse. That's when I lost the ability to trust. Yes, because everyone in that until then I had trusted, my first love, my mother, my father, I even thought Elijah also had disappointed me.

So what could I do? RUN. I had to run. And I stole the moonstone. If there was no moonstone then there would be no sacrifice. I run through the woods. Trevor told me that Rose, who lived in a cottage, would help me. He was wrong, when she found out who I was all that she wanted was to return me to Klaus. She was going to betray me and Trevor, who nevertheless was my friend, she had decided to give myself back to Klaus, Treachery, she had betrayed me! I could also learn to betray. Think, Katherina, think, I began saying to myself. I was so scared. I was so afraid. What should I do? Ok, the sacrifice requires a human doppelganger, that was it! I had to stop being human! As a vampire I was useless. So I trick Rose to feed me her blood. I stab myself with a knife I found in the dining table, she gave me her blood to stop me bleeding to death. And I commit suicide (I guess since then I come suicidality), I hung myself from a beam in the ceiling of the room with the same rope she had brought to bind me, I wasn't going to die, I was being to be reborn as a vampire. She tried to stake me, but I used the woman owner of the house as a shield and then drank her blood. The transition was complete. I was a vampire now, and Rose was scared to death. She said I had signed their death sentences. Better them than me, don't you think? What would you have done?

After that I was told by someone that Klaus now wanted revenge, he didn't care about anything but killing me. No matter that I was no longer useful too his stupid sacrifice, he wanted me dead anyway. So I began running away from him. But I was completely terrified. I ran, I had a horrible feeling, a bitter taste in your throat, I ran even more. I don't know at what time not it occurred to me to find my parents, perhaps because I hear out there that Klaus had found my birthplace, my family I had to see them, had to get them out from there. If I had not been looking for my parents at that time might not have had to find them, murdered, slaughtered that way. The whole house was destroyed, my mother, my father, my sisters and brothers, all, all gone, lost, dead. My dad hanging on a wall with a sword in his chest, my mom with her throat ripped apart. It was awful. I began running, escaping, I had no choice.

I had been running only in the night, I had to find a witch, I needed a daylight ring. I find one I friended her, she make me one. Then I run again. Klaus found her and killed her for treason. I cried her death, but then I thought she was only collateral damage, I wouldn't have to cry for collateral damage, yes she was my friend but I figure out that in order to run successfully, I had to stop caring about everybody that surrounded me.

And every time I fed, it was painful. I chose to feed with people that I didn't met before. Before learning to control myself I only fed from people that I had not exchanged a word with. I only compelled then not to scream. Yes about being a vampire I had to learn it all alone. No one helped me.

Now I know. I was wrong, Elijah had found a way for me not to die, ha asked me to trust him, but didn't and I betrayed him by taking the matter in my own hands. I regret, not trusting him. That caused that he never trust me again. Even that I wanted him to trust me. And I began trusting in him too late.

But before shutting down my feelings I had to look for my daughter that was the only way to keeping me from losing my humanity. I looked for her in every Bulgarian town, every Bulgarian village, I couldn't find her. That was all, I was done, and I shut down my emotions. My daughter was gone and with her, my last desire to show humanity. I stopped caring, I stopped loving, and most of all I STOPPED FEELING GUILTY.

Yes I know, I am sounding like a psychotic bitch. But understand me, I had to survive.

I learned to love and not to fall in love. I learned to seduce. I learned to use my beauty for assure my future. I learned to be what it was and I'm not now, I've changed. I learned make the right people love me. Not that I liked to be that way, but couldn't help it.

And I manage not feeling, very well for centuries, until I watch you, Stefan, in the outsides of Mystic Falls in 1864, you had had problems with his carriage. It was love at first sight. You triggered my emotions back. But you were about to be engaged, that sucked. I also realized that I had not been such a good idea to turn off my emotions, because once something triggers them again, you can't stop them, and everything overwhelms you so overpowering. All, losing my first love, losing my daughter, the death of my parents, it was all there, again. I met Damon who thought he loved me since the very first moment. So I let you, Damon, to love me. Because it felt so good to be loved. I feel safe with you, I felt protected from all the suffering, even the suffering it caused to me by Stefan. But I had to win Stefan's love. I desired him so much. And I used you, Damon, to be near you brother, and a little bit to make him jealous. Yes, I'm sorry Damon, but it was Stefan and it will always be Stefan. And you're very good at keeping secrets. You are to me like a big brother, I care about you too but not in the same way you used to do about me. But the sex wasn't bad, you are good in bed. Both of you are.

I am sorry, Stefan about killing Rosalyn. But she couldn't just be compelled to leave you. And you wasn't happy, you didn't love her. If she was alive you wouldn't be happy ever. And I was jealous, I could stand you kissing her, less of all you marring her. And yes, this is also why I hate Rebekah and Elena, I am jealous. And her funeral and gave me an excellent excuse to comfort you, although I after that kiss in the library, I had realize that you did not love her. But I had already killed her. I could had been easier to ask you to break out with her. But I realized you wouldn't leave her, you were so proper, so right. Duty before anything. And after Rosalyn's funeral, after Emily convinced you to stop mourning, after our first time making love, you came to me.

We (Stefan and me) were happy. Despite the fact that Damon insisted that we should be me and him. Yes Damon, you're stubborn as a mule, even though you are funny, kind, gentle, affectionate, and I care about you, but did not love you, at least not as a couple. And I agreed to turn you into a vampire because I knew Stefan love you, and I also wanted a brother. The saddest thing is to accept that I felt so lonely that I wanted a family. I wanted the three of us to be a family.

Then I hear again Klaus had arrived to America. He, Rebekah, and Elijah were living in New Orleans. I had to run again. I had to fake my death. I am sorry about, you believing I was death. I had no choice. I knew that if he knew I cared about you and that I loved you (although not the same way), he would have killed you both. But if he thought I was death his revenge was pointless. So I fake my death just for you two too be safe. Until Damon find out I wasn't death, I was trapped. I regret not having gone out of the shadows to say I was not there but it was not safe and after all I had eternity for me to repair my mistakes, and earn your forgiveness.

All this time I suffered. Yes, because once I realized what it was to turn off the emotions, and then feel again I didn't wanted to do it again. And I didn't want to forget all that love I felt for Stefan, it was what made me want to stay alive. It was painful watching Stefan in the twenties. He looked happy, he was in love with Rebekah. Even though I knew I wouldn't last, they were in the run too, I hate Rebekah. Always in love with men I care about. Yes because I care about you Matty blue, you are handsome and clever, and you are faithful with your friends, and you also tolerate me, and even help me. I think you understand my loneliness. And I got lost in those beautiful blue eyes, I think those eyes even made me weak. They make me don't dare hurt you. Matty, Rebekah doesn't deserve you, Nadia does. Yes I am defending my daughter, and do not even know if she likes you enough. I know you think she's as crazy and psychotic as me. Even she took your ring, she cares about you. I know that she wouldn't let you die, if they didn't help her.

I think I've finally grown up enough to accept that I would have loved to meet my daughter when she was little, raise her, and try to be her mother (although for the last thing, is not too late, because life has given me a second chance) , enough to leave my pride aside and beg my father not to force me to go, enough to accept that even today I would like that I could stay with my family and my little baby, I would like to have lived, and to have died in my time and when it was the time, not now 500 years later, of old age, when I feel more alive, more in love and younger. Of course from accepting it to say it loud, is a long way, and regrets didn't drive you anywhere.

Elena, I am sorry, you are my doppelganger. I regret having thought to use you as a peace offering to Klaus. However I do not regret being jealous of you. Although everyday I'm less jealous, you're with Damon now and that makes him happy, and I like to see him happy. Saddens me to see Stefan so sad but this way I can win his love back for the remaining days of my life. If you were not my doppelganger, only you had been one more love rival, and then maybe you would have hated you but had played more fairly out of the way to take away. Why more fairly? Because I realized that Damon already I loved you. Maybe I would have helped Damon to win your love, so you left alone Stefan. And you already had your feelings for Damon. We could have been friends after all.

Bon – Bon I don't hate you, I really care about Emily, but I had to survive. So she became a liability. That why I said she was a witch. To save myself I made awful things I regret, such as giving up my friends to save my own ass. I keep saying they were collateral damage. You are a good friend, always protecting those ones you love. So I think I deserve your hate.

Yes, I know that in order to survive I've done horrible things but after Stefan, I never again turn off my humanity switch, I had to learn to deal with it.

Caroline, I am sorry about killing you, but I believe now, you are better as a vampire. Although you have not ceased to be controlling, vain and superficial. You handle it very well, you've grown up, you are now deep, good friend, loyal, affectionate, you never give up, and you care about yours. You are better person now. And you are a good villain student, even though you are not like me. You'll never shut your humanity down, I think that makes you better than me. Doing everything to survive but still caring. I love you, Care I wish you find happiness.

Jeremy, oh sweet little Gilbert, I never hate you, at least not directly, you are victim of hate by addition, because you are Elena's "brother". And then you could talk to ghosts, I needed you so I used you I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I killed you, I'm sorry I used you to feed Silas. I'm really sorry. But if I can say something on my behalf, at least the second time I went back for you. I think perhaps as a compensation for you taking care of me. You are a good person. You're a good brother, when you aren't so annoying. But I have learned all over the years, that siblings are annoying. Maybe that's why I am so annoying with you, Damon. I enjoy making you a little bit mad.

I thought I was ready to die, but now Nadia find a way to keep me alive. She have to find a traveler to teach me a spell, the passenger spell, to help me being a passenger inside another body. At first I think it was pointless because I believed I had lost you, Stefan, forever, but now you are giving me hope. Good memories to a loved one who is dying. Yes, that night after I helped you with PTSD, we make love, I thought we had a deep connection, I even thought that you loved me and you had forgiven me all. But you told me one night wasn't enough to forgive me. So you messed with my feelings but I forgive you, I know deep down you think I can be redeemed and you can love me again. But Nadia needs your help, every traveler has a price. And she have to get you help her paid that price.

Yes, I know: I manipulate, I thirst for power, I control, I punish, but my actions are driven by one singular place deep inside, I'm alone, and I hate it. I had cried a lot when nobody sees me. I had to seem tough, in order to survive you have to seem like, and never turn around to look at the ones you leave behind. And I don't want to be alone any more. And that's why I will take Elena's body. You love that body. I am sorry for that too. Hope you can forgive me someday. I wish I could use another one. But how can you forgive me of something you will never know I have do? So what better than be Elena, everybody loves her? I won't be alone again. Never ever again.

Love, Katherine.

It is obvious that this letter should never be delivered. But Stefan was right it has been relieving. And about my redemption, I'll be good, I'll be Elena.


End file.
